It was a wet afternoon in Great Barrington, Massachusetts, the school kids slid and jumped doing anything they could to make a mess. I walked alone, with occasional annoyance of others talking to me in high pitches telling me a story that surely didn't happen. I kicked in my black rain boots and raincoat looking as if I had just lost a big tournament. It seemed as though I was left alone for good now, everyone that had wanted to bug me with stories were preoccupied with other- important matters. I felt a looming presence over my shoulder, my body tense with annoyance, I thought I was done with the kids today. Perhaps I overlooked the capacity of people understanding social cues. ¨Hey Keely, whats up?¨ My instructor greeted me with a mellow smile as always, his orange dreads held high up defying gravity in his blue bandana. Letting out a breath out, I had anticipated a horrible scenario but alas it was just my teacher. To be honest I didn't really know, I felt okay today, despite what the year had thrown at me, I was doing well or so I thought. He was a nice guy, though we shared similarities too, just like his intimidating presence, I always looked angry or upset but in reality I truly was just either thinking or working hard. ¨Nothing much, you?´ I answered back, the usual dull response. I wasn't really having it today, was this just more mood swings or was there really something wrong. The tall man conversed more with me, I did as well, Then we arrived at what they called Camp Pine or something similar. It wasn't looking nearly as beautiful as it usual was, the wet pine needles stuck to the tarp, water pouring from on top, and the wood turned to a dark mush against the water filled soil. Our other instructor Raven sat there with all the materials for a fire, gleefully awaiting our soaked bottoms to sit down with him. ¨Good afternoon everyone! I'm excited to have you on this rainy day, rainy days are some of my most favorite kinds of ways to teach!¨ Though not the finest of days, he spoke as though the woods was his audience and we were his disciples, echoing throughout the woods talking back at him louder. As he explained what we were to do today I fiddled with my backpack strap, knowing that something was wrong. My coping anxieties all coming together, obsessive pulling at skin to the point of cuts and bruises, pressure on my chest from my constricting hands, it was all there tormenting me that I wasn't okay. It swirled in my head over and over; I need to shake this off now or I will waste my time. ¨Today we will be letting you do most of whatever you want, no objectives, just remember the rules and go have fun! Oh and were making Acorn Pancakes but we'll call you over when that's happening.¨ Raven beamed his final words to the energy filled kids, his mountainous hands clapping together, bouncing off the tall oak and spruce trees. I awoke from the excruciating misery that was my thoughts today and removed my jacket, pushing up my sleeves. By the time I could blink the kids were out chasing eachother, screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs and diving head first into plots of mud. I shook my head with a smile enjoying the children's sweet innocence. It wasn't something I ever had for long unfortunately, although I don't regret what I've learned. I never had enough time to just be unknowing. I've always understood and jumped into analyzing some of the hardest situations, not a bad trait but not a necessarily fun one either. I looked back around to the black charcoal pit in front of me, the silver streaks glistening in the little sunlight we had, the cool air dancing between my instructor and I. I let my eyelids fall slightly, my mouth moving back down again to its neutral state. I could tell my instructors were looking at me, I don't blame them, I probably looked like the saddest sack in the world, I looked pathetic. The worst part of all is I felt like I usually do as well, as if I was doing it for attention. Turning my attention to my instructors, they were talking with their backs turned to me, my ears twitched straining to hear what they were discoursing about. The more I heard the less I cared, it wasn't about me so it wasn't my business, I shouldn't be letting my nosy side get the best of me. I gathered the wood up, making a pile in strategic “Y” shapes, leaving room for a window to put the birch bark and cattail fluff in. This method, although not dependable, was a great way to start a fire, one of the easiest to do so as well. I felt the rush of adrenaline replenish my soul when my instructor gave me the flint and steel within an instant the fire was lit. The warmth grew as I got down to the window I made and blew close, letting the fire spread and decimate the fluff. “Nice job as always, Keely, I’m excited to make these pancakes.” Chris grinned gathering the supplies for the pancakes. He pulled out a mason jar filled to the brim with batter, a pan, and some homemade maple syrup. I wouldn't admit it but I was excited to make these too, I enjoyed cooking and even though I never got super into it people never seemed to like my cooking so i just stopped trying. The activity was nostalgic to me cooking with my mother when I was an itty bitty, one of the fond memories I had of that short time in my life. “Hey Keely! Mind if i make these with you guys?” One of the kids in my grade chriped, skipping over, sliding onto the log right next to me. I wasn't gonna be mean, totally against my moral code but i wasn't in the mood to deal with him. “Of course! I'm not gonna tell you what to do!” I bubbled, giving a big thumbs up. Our instructor carefully demonstrated what to do and he and I got to work. I tried my best to be gentle and take my time, the first few times were a bit scary. I've never been a big fan of cooking with hot surfaces, which is weird since I've always loved fire but, when it came to anything but fire I tended to freak out. After a while we had a nice stack of pancakes and, I artistically splayed the maple syrup on top and watched as it slightly traveled, glimmering all the way down to the bottom of the plate. I observed the overjoyed faces of kids as Raven handed them all servings of pancakes. As we all sat together, I and a few others cooked, children chattering their feet kicking from the sugar, all ready to run a marathon. I munched happily on a pancake, I had totally forgotten the bad mood I was in the bellows of giggles filled my mouth with smiles, just as much as some stuffed their faces with the pancakes. Everyone was enjoying their time here, no one was upset, they all were just content with the food and friendly exchanges. It was all I truly needed to feel better was to see others feel gleeful. Nobody pried into my feelings, they just gave thanks and relished the time. I, myself, felt safe. The forest cradled me like a baby and the wet ground giving me grounding touches. I was present in the moment unlike most of the time where I can be stuck in the future or the past. It's so easy to get carried away and in a totally different time frame but the importance of being in the now is just as important as caring about your future. I let the epiphany and serotonin fill me, letting the day serenade me to serenity and marinate tomorrow's sorrows away. ¨
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